The second post

I quit smoking pot the other day, and, while I'm glad that I did, my sadness has only deepened since then. I do feel like I may finally be getting my public life together by getting back in the gym and by distancing myself from the crutch that is my addiction, but somehow this doesn't seem to matter to me. I thought that once I quit and started working out again that some sort of healthy living magic would kick in and make me feel better, but deep down I knew that wouldn't be the case. All I want is to be legitimately happy again. In theory this seems as though it would be a simple goal to accomplish, but even with a job that I love and everything going for me I just can't escape the feeling that the rest of my life will be this sad pit of despair that I'm currently in. To me, it seems as though everyone else's problems are trivial and I find  myself  mocking them in my thoughts. While this provides me with some entertainment it really serves only to deepen the the dislike I have for myself for trivializing others. I think that I may behave this way because I wish that I could switch what I have going on for the way they're living, with a lot of friends and few worries. Anyway thanks for reading if you actually made it this far. Until I reach my next low, it's been real.

-xSol

All time low

Today was a little better than one of my normal days, but I think that it's just because work kept me busy enough that I couldn't get sad like I do when I have time to think. It's not so easy to keep myself distracted at home and I've found that, when left for long enough, I become very down and at times I'll even start crying for no reason at all that I can think of. I would like to start going to counselling soon, but with my work schedule and school starting soon I don't know when I'll be able to fit it in. I want to start trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone, but as the name suggests I feel much safer not doing anything where I might be forced to develop relationships with strangers and I think it will be difficult for me to become more outgoing as I am now. Its funny that the thing that I don't want to do the most is also the thing that may make me feel better. I feel quite lonely now many people I know are in the room with me. I've learned to live with the emptiness throughout my life, but I'm just so sick of it. No  how matter how much I tell myself I have friends and family and that I'm not lonely the feeling persists. For now I can only hope that I can keep up the distractions so that I can keep going as though nothing is wrong.